This year has basically sucked so far. Our first post of 2011 was one of sadness, and this one will be too, just a different sadness. The past 2 1/2 weeks have thrown us crisis after crisis, but most is not my story to share, so I will attempt to convey my heart of grief for you.
Depression has swooped down and cast its dark shadow over our lives, and brought its friends despair and emptiness with it. I feel like the child in the photo above. This is a daring analogy, but it's my blog.
I am helpless in life right now. My problems are exposed for the world to see and I am a mess. "Help" is every where, but I can't communicate how to receive it. The baby in the photo, who we walked by while filming a music video in a Kenyan slum, has those things in common with me. I walked by this baby. I didn't pick him up and love on him, or take the trash he was eating away and offer something nourishing, or clothe him or comfort him in anyway. We walked right by, accepting that this is how life is for him, but took time to take a photo. Hopeless, despairing.
This photo has been haunting me for the past 3 weeks. I found it in Phil's phone when gathering photos to take to him while he was in the hospital. I feel such shame and guilt for not helping this child, but more so, I'm drenched with despair at the reality that there is nothing I can do to better his circumstance. This photo represents depression for me right now, and reflects how I feel in our current situation.
Depression is dark. I hate it. I am suffering from situational depression, but my Phil has the dark, pit of the stomach - no light at the end of the tunnel- depression, and my heart is breaking knowing he is also suffering like this baby. My only hope and my only strength right now is from my God. I know He's taking care of this baby in Kenya, and my comfort is that He is holding Phil.
Oddly enough, "Everything" by Life House, is playing on Phil's Pandora channel right now as I write this. If you listen to that song while looking at this photo, you will cry. Like a baby. Like I am now.
My little Dalene!!!!I love you and your family so much! God will bring you all out of this. Cling to God and He will deliver your through the fire. This reminds me of Daniel 3:19-25
ReplyDelete"Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual 20 and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. 21 So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. 22 The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, 23 and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.
24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”
They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.”
25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”"
God protects His people. Although you're going through the fire, He is guarding you and your family (especially Phil) from the fire. I'm so sorry you have to go through a season of darkness, but keep heart that you will be delivered THROUGH the fire! I love you!!!
God is faithful, mighty, and He loves you. We are praying for you and Phil, and will continue to.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend... Your authentic and open message is moving. As someone who suffers from Bipolar disorder and has gone through suicidal depression, I feel for you and Phil. II Cor 1:1-8 tells the story that you may want to see for yourself... We are comforted by those who have been comforted because He is "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort." Please use your resources (as you are doing here) to be lifted up. We love you - Alex & Christy
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